Help, Am I Deluded?

I’ve met my fair share of coach/therapist/healer types who were extremely deluded about either their grandiose plans, their skills or their market actually wanting them. There have also been a fair amount if people with a great deal less training and experience than me, who were a load better at marketing and therefore a hell of a lot more financially successful. So the question is, am I deluded too, or is it just a matter of my marketing skills needing a polish?

The thing is, I’ve spent nearly 11yrs in this business in one form or another, and although I’ve enjoyed it, and it’s enriched my life with less stress, 2 miracle kids, a lasting relationship and a feeling of contentment, it hasn’t done so financially. I’ve got to ‘that time’, it’s ‘make or break’. I’ve decided to focus on mums as it is a subject close to my heart. I’ve got a fab new way of doing my coaching online, which makes it more accessible and affordable for mums. Lastly, I’ve signed up for a ‘bootcamp’ to help me launch my new product. But is it doomed to failure, because no one wants it or me?

Let’s back track a bit. When I became a mum, I realised that the training I had received was brilliant, and saved me many hours of angst. But it was also inappropriate for a mums time and resource limitations, so I created the mummy whisperer program. I saw all these mums talking/blogging about losing their identity, having problems with conflict or lack of communication in their families, and getting stressed out because they thought they/their kids/partners/life should be different. My thought process was that they ‘needed’ all these things I could do to help them be more contented with their lives and grow strong families. But, do mums really want it? That is, it might sound nice, and a few might sign up, but are there enough who REALLY want it? And would they want me? And would they pay enough to make them appreciate it and give me a fair level of earnings?

Apparently, I am meant to focus on a smaller niche than just mums, one where I have experience, credibility and contacts. The idea is if I focus on a niche, my message will be clearer and will get more mums signing up. So that has made me decide to focus on mums with kids starting nursery or school. Not new mums of babies, because my longer term plan is to provide them with a book, and not mums of teens because I don’t have teenagers yet. But if there is a market, the next question I’m facing is wether I need to cut it down even smaller to: working mums, work from home mums, or stay at home mums. Now I reckon that my program would help them all, especially as they all face guilt and work/life/rest/play balance in some way shape or form. But I can also see several potential problems, especially that working mums don’t have enough time left over to make their lives easier, and SAHM’s wouldn’t want to spend the money on themselves. By creating a program that can be worked through online, I was hoping that mums could fit it into their lives more easily, and by giving a payment option over 3 months with a 14 day free trial it would make it more affordable. But that might not be enough, or is that where marketing comes in?

There is an even bigger problem as well! What I’m offering is a way for a mum to be more sure of themselves and listen to their own natural instinct and knowledge of their family, instead of a one-size fits all parenting technique. But do mums want an answer tailored to their own family, which leaves them in the driving seat, or would they prefer to be told what to do according to a set of rules, even if it’s pretty much impossible to create? If there are mums who like the idea of what I offer, does that mean that they are already going that way and so don’t need my help?

In the past I have specialised in mental health issues, relationship problems and small business owners. Perhaps a mum facing the loss of her marriage, mental health or business would be more likely to ask for help. But if that is the case, then I’m going to have to take more time off work, because I don’t currently have the time to support these more extreme demands; I was planning on tackling them later.

What do you reckon? I’d really appreciate any feedback (be gentle please!; so I’m going to offer a copy of my book ‘getting the hang of gratitude’ to one of the people who leave a comment (I’ll use some random fair way of selecting!).

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Fear of Losing Your Little Ones

 

Now the problem with Fear of Loss, is that it gets in the way, and can make you needy, hence pushing what you are desperate to keep, away from you.
There is a scientific law, that you can’t create or destroy anything it just changes form (for example, try it with water, which can become steam or ice, but not disappear totally).  And this is the one to bear in mind when fearing the loss of something or someone, because what you are thinking is that there was nothing like it in your life before.  But in fact there was.  Just in one or more different packages.
You can apply this concept to anything: Loss of Job, Money/Object, Qualifications/knowledge, Loved One, Recognition, Health, Way of Life.  I looked at the fear of losing my little boy, after he had an accident and ended up in A&E on our first evening in America.  He was OK, but I was freaked!  
I’ll talk you through how I approached it:
Step 1 – Is to list the things, or characteristics of the person/thing that you believe came into your life when this person or thing appeared.  List as many as you like and then fine-tune them down to a short-list.
My main one for my little boy was being my ‘Being Guide’, which might sound a bit esoteric, but I meant was that it would feel as though a part of my soul had gone if he wasn’t there, which was the bit that guided me to ‘be’ who I was deep down.  Have you seen film of the ‘Golden Compass’?  It was the scene when the young heroine Lyra was about to have her Demon (sort of like a soul companion) cut away from her by a machine, that had me in masses of tearful hysterics, that sort of explained how I imagined it would feel.
Step 2 – Is to look at who or what was there beforehand.  It might be in a very different area of life, so this takes an open mind and the ability to think out of the box, e.g. Spiritual, Mental/Learning, Work, Financial, Physical, Social, Family/Relationships.
Max obviously primarily affected my family life and work life. But when looking back I found many guides, primarily in Physical (e.g. fitness), Spiritual and Mental.
Step 3 – Is to look at what were the upsides, benefits or advantages to the way it was beforehand?
For me that would have been fitness, weight, being a size 10, learning from my many teachers, earning money.
Step 4 – Is to look at what the downsides, costs or disadvantages where to the way it is now with the person/thing that you are scared of losing.
This isn’t about not appreciating this thing or person that you love.  Just about seeing them more clearly, so that you are less desperate to keep hold of them, after all, everything has an up & downside, it’s just that we can be blinded to the downsides sometimes!  By this stage it was getting easier for me and the downsides where things like lack of sleep, difficulty to work and all the worries that came along with the package called ‘Max’.
Finally – keep asking the questions until you feel that you no longer fear losing them, even though you appreciate them still.
For me afterwards, it felt as though a silk veil had been lifted between us and I could suddenly hold him closer than ever before.  I would have said that we had a close and good relationship beforehand, but looking back I do remember feeling as though I couldn’t hold him close enough or express my love for him enough.  In fact he appeared to pick up on the shift as well and now regularly demands a tummy-to-tummy cuddle, almost as a reflection of the fact that there isn’t anything keeping me from him any more.  I’ve even been able to teach him the idea simply, if he is missing someone or something, and he is just 3yrs old!

Being scared of losing your children or loved ones, is totally reasonable, and I’m not suggesting that it’s possible to totally remove it, especially as a certain degree of fear is what keeps our eyes open for potential dangers for our children.  However, there is ‘healthy fear’ and a fear that gets in the way of your relationship, driving them away and running your brain and your life.

The problem with Fear of Loss of anything, is that it gets in the way, and can make you needy, hence pushing what you are desperate to keep, away from you.

There is a scientific law, that you can’t create or destroy anything it just changes form (for example, try it with water, which can become steam or ice, but not disappear totally).  And this is the one to bear in mind when fearing the loss of something or someone, because what you are thinking is that there was nothing like it in your life before.  But in fact there was.  Just in one or more different packages.

You can apply this concept to anything: Loss of Job, Money/Object, Qualifications/knowledge, Loved One, Recognition, Health, Way of Life.  I looked at the fear of losing my little boy, after he had an accident and ended up in A&E on our first evening in America.  He was OK, but I was freaked!  The reason I am talking you through this process, is because I didn’t think that I had a big fear of losing my little one, but even so, the results from working through this process were amazing and brought us even closer together.

I’ll talk you through how I approached it:

Step 1 – Is to list the things, or characteristics of the person/thing that you believe came into your life when this person or thing appeared.  List as many as you like and then fine-tune them down to a short-list.

My main one for my little boy was being my ‘Being Guide’, which might sound a bit esoteric, but I meant was that it would feel as though a part of my soul had gone if he wasn’t there, which was the bit that guided me to ‘be’ who I was deep down.  Have you seen film of the ‘Golden Compass’?  It was the scene when the young heroine Lyra was about to have her Demon (sort of like a soul companion) cut away from her by a machine, that had me in masses of tearful hysterics, that sort of explained how I imagined it would feel.

Step 2 – Is to look at who or what was there beforehand.  It might be in a very different area of life, so this takes an open mind and the ability to think out of the box, e.g. Spiritual, Mental/Learning, Work, Financial, Physical, Social, Family/Relationships.

Max obviously primarily affected my family life and work life. But when looking back I found many guides, primarily in Physical (e.g. fitness), Spiritual and Mental.

Step 3 – Is to look at what were the upsides, benefits or advantages to the way it was beforehand?

For me that would have been fitness, weight, being a size 10, learning from my many teachers, earning money.

Step 4 – Is to look at what the downsides, costs or disadvantages where to the way it is now with the person/thing that you are scared of losing.

This isn’t about not appreciating this the child that you love.  Just about seeing them more clearly, so that you are less desperate to keep hold of them, after all, everything has an up & downside, it’s just that we can be blinded to the downsides sometimes!  By this stage it was getting easier for me and the downsides where things like lack of sleep, difficulty to work and all the worries that came along with the package called ‘Max’.

Finally – keep asking the questions until you feel that you no longer fear losing them, even though you appreciate them still.

For me afterwards, it felt as though a silk veil had been lifted between us and I could suddenly hold him closer than ever before.  I would have said that we had a close and good relationship beforehand, but looking back I do remember feeling as though I couldn’t hold him close enough or express my love for him enough.  In fact he appeared to pick up on the shift as well and now regularly demands a tummy-to-tummy cuddle, almost as a reflection of the fact that there isn’t anything keeping me from him any more.  I’ve even been able to teach him the idea simply, if he is missing someone or something, and he is just 3yrs old!

Now, as a Mum, I don’t expect to totally tackle the fears we have of losing our children, whereas I have done so for other things that I care less about for example, money, or jobs or other people.  So I will probably repeat this exercise regularly, whenever I feel any sense of distance between us, or an inability to express how much I love him.