What’s The Motivation Behind The ‘Other Woman/Man’?

So why do people go for someone who is already ‘taken’ when there are so many single people available?

Well, I’m going to explain some of the most obvious reasons, but basically the motivation for anyone’s behaviour is their value set (the hierarchy of what they love to get from life and do in life).  So the ‘unfaithful’ person will get involved because it appears that the new person matches their values more than the old one, and the ‘other person’ will get involved because it basically works for them.  If you would like to know more about working out your own value set, or that of the people around you, I give a free introductory ebook and audio when people join my email list for my newsletter.

The problem is that society puts such a lot of charge onto affairs, that people look for HUGE reasons why they happen, and often there is no obvious answer or problem to explain it, so it can be confusing (see my other blogs). Also, people are so sure that it is ‘bad’ to be the ‘other woman/man’, that they don’t look deeply into how come often very ‘nice’ people can get themselves into a difficult situation.  Mind you, there are also the less ‘nice’ reasons for it too ;o)

Infatuation: What Is It?

The reason why ‘nice’ people get all twiddled up in an affair is purely because they become so infatuated that they are totally controlled by their passion.  Ironically, I could ‘cure’ them of this within a few hours given a chance, because all I need to do is take off their rose tinted glasses (and I have the cruel tools to be able to do so!).  They will only see the fabulous things about this new person in their life, and will completely ignore the things that the partner sees; like snoring, farting, looking rubbish in the morning, being grumpy, being lazy, or being high maintenance (the list is endless, because we all have less attractive sides to us!).  Then they will be totally convinced that this person is bringing something to their life that they have either never experienced elsewhere or could never experience elsewhere.  So it is just a matter of showing them that they already have everything that they think they are missing, they are just not appreciating where it is.  I bet the partner would love to be sexy too, given the chance, or spend loads of time at the gym and become gorgeous.  Given a bit of caring attention, the current partner would probably be up for being less grumpy and more fun to live with as well (or whatever the complaint is about something being missing)!  Plus, there is always a hidden cost to the infatuation.  For some it is the loss of pension or half their savings.  For others it would be the loss of regular contact with their children, or losing friends or the disappointment of relatives.  It’s always there!

Addiction

With Tiger Woods in the media at the moment, the subject of ‘addiction’ also comes up.  Now this is a more complicated subject that I will blog about at another point.  But it’s like the most extreme infatuation that you can imagine to either the romance of new relationships, or the lust of sexual desire.  It is totally fixable, but it would take more than a couple of hours, and would be more in depth than what I described for the general infatuation cycle.

Being Invincible

There are a few people (either the partner or the other person), who just generally believe that they will get away with anything, can charm anyone, and either won’t get caught or will always be able to get out of a situation or problem.  It’s a type of narcicism/big ego syndrome, which many famous people probably suffer from (aka a few footballers), plus a few of those people often termed ‘lovable rogues’ or ‘charming’.  If this is the problem that the unfaithful partner faces, then without help, they are unlikely to change their behaviour, and they are unlikely to ask for help, because they don’t see what is wrong with what they are doing.  Unfortunately, they need to learn from their mistakes by paying a big price, i.e. seeing one of their values hit big time.

The people who therefore have affairs with these types, are probably either easily led or easily charmed.  When in a good mood, a narcisist will make you feel a hundred dollars.  Just remember, that if they can do that, they can also do the opposite and make you feel like you are bankrupt!

They Have Already Proved They Can Commit

If the ‘other woman or man’ would like to be in a relationship, they can be pretty sure that it is also in the values of the person that they have the affair with, as they have already proved their ability to be in a relationship!  (The logic of wanting a relationship with someone who has the ability to be unfaithful as well, doesn’t tend to figure!).  Society gets very shocked when a woman gets involved with a married man with children.  However, he has already proved that he would like to commit, and procreate, so he is a good bet, especially if it is possible he could afford the maintenance and a new wife!  These people will be able to ‘sniff’ out someone who likes being in a relationship, but is currently dissatisfied with their partner, and offer themselves as a much more attractive option.

I’ve noticed similar behaviour in my coaching/therapy business!  I often assist my mentor at large events that have a couple of hundred people attending, including my own clients.  What is interesting is that sometimes I have noticed my compatriots shamelessly targeting my clients, rather than ‘fresh blood’.  It might seem unprofessional, however, you can see the logic to it, because they have already proved that they are willing to spend money to change their lives, so they are a good bet!

Outright Ambition

The previous option of finding someone who has already shown they can commit, can become a conscious and very ambitious, purposeful strategy.  These people are competitive, will have a strategy, and will make it very difficult for the committed person to resist them.  They don’t just target footballers and golfers either!  Basically, they will target anyone who could give them the lifestyle they are after, plus still afford to pay off the first partner.  In a previous post I suggested that sometimes we need to watch over our partners and almost ‘protect’ them from impossible temptations.  Lets put it another way;  If it is possible that you could be competing with people like this, then make sure you are not holding yourself back, because they will make sure that your partner knows they will do anything to get them, so are you showing that you are willing to do anything to keep them?  (I’m not suggesting you do anything that would belittle yourself, or that you don’t want to do.  But there is always a compromise, you just need to really know them well and what their values are, so that you can tick enough boxes!).

I know that you will think that this is outrageous behaviour on their part, but think about it this way; Hundreds of years ago, these people would have made fabulous adventurers, providers, hunters and protectors.  I suppose that they are frustrated predators.

Not Looking For Something Serious

Then of course there are people whose values mean that they would currently prefer to not be in a relationship that is heavy or heading towards marriage.  If someone is already in a relationship, then they make the perfect option.  It’s all about fun, and none of the boring suburban stuff.  They are obviously very attractive to the person in the relationship, because they appear to be offering ‘no strings’, and appear strong because they are not ‘needy’!  These people are unlikely to want to get found out or caught, unless they also have a high value on danger.  Sometimes, it might be because they are just trying on the concept of a long term relationship for size, so this is their half-way house enroute to finding their own partner.

Sometimes the unfaithful partner gets attracted into relationships like this because they can’t manage to see their partner as both a sexual being and a long term partner.  There are some cultures around the world, where it is deemed perfectly reasonable for a husband to have a wife and a mistress, as long as they behave respectfully.  It would be possible in this situation to help both parties to get over any ‘issues’ they have and combine the roles together.

A Word of Warning/Comfort

If your relationship fell apart due to an affair, be assured that ‘what comes around, goes around’, which is how come so few relationships survive when they start off with unfaithfulness.  Even if it doesn’t hit their relationship, it will hit them somewhere important in their lives.

If you were party to splitting up a relationship, then you might want to consider getting some assistance to work through the guilt of it, and the fear of it happening to you.  Because it is that guilt or fear that will attract the same situation back into your life.  This is not due to a judgmental ‘karma’, it is just so that you get to understand what it feels like on both sides of the story.

Are There Ways To Tell If They Will Be Unfaithful Again?

So the media will be keeping a beady eye on Tiger Woods and John Terry from now on, but if you don’t have that option, then what guarantees do you have that your partner will not be unfaithful again?

Sorry – How Much Does That Mean?

There is no doubt that the ‘injured’ party will need to hear the word ’sorry’ from their partner, along with huge piles of remorse and possibly some explanations.  Some people find going to counselling is helpful, because it gives an opportunity to get all the anger out in a ’safe’ scenario, with a mediator.  I must admit this is not my favourite method of dealing with problems, but for some people it would definitely be a good starting point.  (At some stage though, it is likely to be necessary to go for something more practical or involved, like relationship coaching, or the methods that I am trained in: The Demartini Method).

However, ‘Sorry’ doesn’t mean ‘I won’t do it again’.  Being willing to say it, and to listen to the hurt of their partner, definitely is a step in the right direction.  But it mainly means ‘I’m making an initial effort’ or ‘Sorry I got caught’ or ‘I’m feeling really guilty’.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

It’s great if your unfaithful partner is saying all the right things, but more important that they are backing it up with actions.  For instance, being willing to listen to your hurts (not for 20yrs, but for a reasonable while).  Potentially cutting off all contact with the ‘other person’.  Maybe even going as far as changing mobile numbers, and blocking people from their email accounts.  They might need to invest time in some relationship coaching or counselling, to show how important a change is to them.

Be warned, that many people would love to be totally faithful, and definitely mean it when they say that they will be.  BUT, they may not know themselves very well, or have realistic expectations of themselves.  So they are not purposely misleading you, they are just falling foul of romantic conceptions of what they are capable of.  Hence, the importance of them managing to show with their actions, over a prolonged period of time, that there is a change in their psyche.  (Mind you there are some people who are very manipulative and will be purposely misleading you, but I’m assuming that you’ll know if you have one of those!).

Collapse of Infatuation

Many of us have never been taught how to tackle the ‘grass is greener’ temptation, or how to reduce an infatuation (I will blog about this when I get a chance) and give it a breath of reality.  Hence, we actually have to experience the infatuation, and then get threatened with the loss of what we weren’t appreciating, in order to regain our perspective.  you might think that this is very ’stupid’, however, it is the way that many of us work.

So, are there obvious signs that your partner’s infatuation with being with someone else has been well and truly broken?  Can you now see that they had problems with taking responsibility for their lives and the bits that they didn’t like about it?  This often translates to thinking that it is the partner’s fault that they are in a job that they don’t like, or having to do boring jobs around the house.  Basically, they will blame everyone else and feel victimised for their ‘tough’ lives!  So have they gotten over it?  Do they now appreciate their lives more, and realise that no one else is making them do anything?

A Willingness To Wait For Trust To Be Rebuilt

The person who was unfaithful needs to have a reality check about how long it will take for their partner to rebuild their trust levels, plus the price that they will probably have to pay.  There will be instances when their partner will become insecure and need additional support.  Plus there maybe times when the infidelity will be thrown into their faces in arguments.  I recommend that their partner attempts to get assistance to work through their issues, so that this doesn’t go on for the rest of their lives, however it would be unreasonable to expect it to never happen.

However, there is another side to the story of trust.  We may trust our partners implicitly, but many of us have no idea of the amount of temptation out there, because it might just not be in our value or belief systems to consider getting involved in a relationship with someone else’s partner.  You don’t have to be Tiger Woods or John Terry to be attractive to another woman.  I’m going to write another blog as soon as I get a chance on the different reasons why the ‘other woman’ gets involved, but in the meantime, here is a little reality check; trusting your partner is fine and it avoids suffocating them.  However there is a fine line between ‘trusting’ and ‘taking for granted’.  Plus there is a fine line between reasonable and unreasonable expectations.  For example, put me in a room of chocolate for a day and you won’t be able to trust me not to eat some.  I’d probably be able to last 30 minutes, but not much longer!  I’m one of those people who need serious closeness with someone before I can get jiggy, so I’d be very trustworthy on a night out alone.  However, goodness knows what I would do if Hugh Jackman told me I was sexy and started stalking me!  Maybe it’s just a typical Leo’s reaction to protecting her family, but I wouldn’t be putting my husband into temptations way purposely.

How Long Can You Wait?

There is also another perspective.  How long can you wait, until they become trustworthy, and what kind of trustworthy are you looking for?  Have you got to know them so well, that you know that in their current job or at their current age, they are very unlikely to be able to resist temptation?  However, you know that you can trust them to love you, and wish to remain with you forever?  If you can manage to separate out the two sides to your partner, and maintain your confidence levels, then possibly it is worth considering waiting.  A great example of this is Sharon Osbourne, who is obviously loved deeply by Ozzy, and he is now definitely faithful, but she did have to wait a while!  Potentially, depending on who you are, and what kind of life you would love to have, it might be worth playing the waiting game.  A controversial thought I know, but if you would love to stay and are sure that you can count on their commitment to you (if not sexual faithfulness), then don’t cut off your nose to spite your face just because society says you should.

Note: Affairs are obviously a controversial and painful subject and this is just a quick blog post.  I recommend that if you are interested, you take some time to read my other posts, and subscribe to this blog, so that you know when I have written more.

Why Do Affairs Hurt Some People More Than Others?

We all assume that affairs hurt everyone, in exactly the same way, but in fact they don’t and it is NOT because one person loved their partner more than the other person did.  I remember when I lived in Lincolnshire there was a sudden flurry of partner’s being discovered to be unfaithful, followed by divorces.  I watched as some of the wives were so heart broken that their lives fell apart, whereas others seemed to have an ability to quickly find a new rythmn for their life.

There are a couple of reasons why this is so, and therefore even if you find yourself in the extremely distressed camp, you can switch to the less painful camp.

1) A Balanced Mix Of Interests In Different Areas Of Life

You can split life into 7 areas:

• Spiritual – having a sense of purpose, bigger reason to be, or religious views
• Mental – continuing to learn new things however old you are
• Vocational – job or clear role in life
• Financial – understanding of our financial value, even if we are not bringing in money
• Social – having a strong, wide, network of people in different groups/places
• Familial – our family and relationships
• Physical – health, taking care of ourselves, exercising, eating well

A person who focusses on just a one or two areas of life, like their family and their physical appearance, will be hit terribly hard by the discovery of what they see as ‘betrayal’ from their partner.  Whereas, someone who has lots of interests and a perception of a degree of ability of power in more areas, will be less harshly affected.  This is the difference from feeling like the rug has been pulled out from your whole life, and feeling as though there is still a strong future for yourself.

So if your rug has been pulled, then there is something that you can do; get out there and start doing something about the other areas of your life.  I promise you that you are a valuable and fabulous human being.  I know you don’t feel it right now, but the beginning step is to fake it until you make it.

2) Having A Strong Belief/Value That Gets Hit

If you have a strong romantic streak, and belief that there will be ‘one’ person for you, it will be tremendously hard to handle affairs.  It’s amazing how many people I’ve had to help because of the new ‘Twilight’ series of books.  I love them too, but there is a significant downside with the message of love for eternity and lack of focus on the downside on that kind of incredible infatuation.  Also, people who have a tremendously strong belief in the strength of vows for either religious or moral reasons, will be not only shocked, but also deeply mortified by their partner’s unfaithfulness.

Sadly a lack of reality check is one of the biggest causes of pain for people.  We focus on how life ’should’ be, rather on how humans actually behave.  We ignore reality, and have unrealistic expectations for the people that we love, which means that they are bound to let us down.  For instance, put a toddler in a room full of chocolate, and there is no doubt that some will be able to resist because they have a stronger people pleasing and rule awareness.  But put my son in there and he will come out with a face covered in chocolate and a VERY long story about how his invisible friend forced him to eat the chocolate because otherwise the world would have blown up!

I totally get your love of fantasy or these beliefs, but they are causing you pain.  Let them go.  The real world, really isn’t that bad, at least you won’t get shocked or distressed by it.  (Check out my free ebook on Values, which you get if you sign up for my email newsletter).

3) Seeing the Silver Lining

The whole premise behind the methods that I’ve trained in for the past 10yrs is to empower people, not leave them as ‘victims’ of their past pain.  It’s fine to get to the point where you are just ‘over it’ or indifferent.  Some therapies can even get you to the point of ‘acceptance’ or ‘forgiveness’.  But I am ambitious!  I get people to the point where they are free of their past, and it doesn’t affect their future, apart from the fact that they would never want their past to be any different and they are totally grateful for it.  ’How the hell do you do that’ you maybe asking?  Well, it’s not easy, obviously, but it is totally possible, and it is totally possible very quickly.  Jo Wood is a particularly good example of the first step, which is to look for the silver lining, which is always there.  She admits that she would never have left her husband Ronnie, but that her life has taken off incredibly since he left her.

So literally, it’s about looking at our lives and looking over a period of time for what we have gained, how we benefited, or how we have come out better for the experience.  By keeping stacking them up, over and over again, we will really start to appreciate our lives, get stronger, and have a future filled with potential.  When we are full of hurt and pain, we unfortunately ignore and miss the opportunities that life offers us.  Whereas when we can see that there is tonnes of stuff in our lives to be grateful for, we will be not be held back by our past, but will ready for the rest of our lives with vigour.

In Conclusion (for now!)

Affairs are a complicated subject obviously, so I’ll be blogging lots about them over a period of time.  I recommend you check out my other blogs under the category of relationships or with a tag of affair.

(Also, please note, that in most of the things that I blog about, I’m nearly always stressing how capable we are of sorting our own lives out.  But affairs are one of the things that are considered so socially unacceptable that it can be very difficult to cope alone, especially if the couple are attempting to remain together.  If you would like to know more about how I work, or people trained similarly to myself, then feel free to contact me directly, and check out my other blogs and websites).

Why Do Affairs Happen If You Aren’t Bitchy or Frigid?

I was infuriated this morning by listening to some chappie on the TV saying, ‘well you never know what was going on at home, maybe it was a sexless marriage!’; PLLLLEASE!  That is such an urban myth, that affairs happen because the partner did something ‘wrong’.  I’m not saying that something was not going on in the relationship.  But because no one is taught what I’m about to explain to you, often the partner has no hope in hell of staving off the unfaithfulness of their partner.

Why do affairs happen if there is no bitchy wife or lack of sex?

Affairs are fascinating, as there really are reasons for them to occur, which explain what often appears to be totally illogical.  Take the recent captain of the english football team, with a beautiful wife and family; is he really so vacuous that he is incapable of refusing a woman who throws himself at him?  What about the famous golfer who appears to have slept with anything that walked, despite childhood distress when his Dad was unfaithful; why did he get himself into that situation?

The answer is a mixture of the points below, most of which you will never have heard of before (and I’ll keep blogging as well, to fill in the gaps and add extra information in the future, like why the ‘other woman’ gets involved, and can a relationship survive unfaithfulness).  p.s. I’ve used the words ‘victim’ and ‘culprit’ and ‘other woman’ just as convenient titles, but that is just for ease of identity, I don’t believe that it helps if you consider yourself to be the ‘wronged’ person, and I will continue to blog on ideas on how to pick yourself up afterwards, whichever role you played.

1) There is ‘baggage’ in both the ‘victim’s and ‘culprit’s emotional lives about unfaithfulness.

Either they have been unfaithful and it’s time for them to experience the opposite, or they are still upset about someone being unfaithful to them.  Often, I have found that the ‘baggage’ goes all the way back to the parents too and something that happened with them.  This is one of the key problems for the golfer, because he probably vowed he would never be like his Dad, but there is tremendous wisdom in the saying ‘Never say never’.  If we are unaware of the potential for being unfaithful, then we can easily get caught unawares.  Often, when we then discover with horror that we have done exactly that, the guilt paralyzes us, and we ironically keep doing it, because we just don’t understand how on earth we got there.

2) There is a change in the ‘victims’ empowerment levels.

It can either happen because they suddenly become disempowered or ironically because they become more empowered.  I bet this is particularly true of WAGS, because as they get more and more worried about their partner’s being unfaithful, they will become less and less sure of themselves.  If they are not sure of themselves, then they are not sure of their value, and their partner will subconsciously pick up on that.  When their partner picks up on the change they will either match it (by becoming more or less empowered) or look for someone else who matches what they used to be like.  Because of this affairs often happen at what appears to be the most ‘socially unacceptable’ point in time, because that is when the ‘victim’ is most disempowered, e.g. when they are pregnant (very prevalent).

3) ‘The victim’ is not selling themselves to their partner in terms of their partner’s values.

Values are what we think are important in life.  They give us purpose, and determine what we love to do and have.  In fact they are basically what makes us tick.  (If you would like a free ebook on values and how to start identifying yours and your loved ones, sign up for my free email newsletter).  The ‘victim’ may not be being horrid, but it could be as little as just taking their partner for granted a little or assuming that they will always be faithful.  It’s not very romantic to say this, but all relationships are a deal, where you show that your particular brand is better than all the other brands out there.  I know what you are going to say ‘but what about love’ or ‘but what about vows and promises’?  I totally know what you mean, but as a major people watcher and studier, I can ensure you that there’s no point in saying ‘but we SHOULD be faithful’, because that just isn’t the way life is, apart from a very small group of people who have an incredibly high value on faithfulness or loyalty.

Often, the person having the affair will have blamed all that is wrong in their life on their partner and assume all that is good is down to the new relationship or the high they get from the one night stands.  So they definitely have a tendency to not taking responsibility for their lives and what they are dissatisfied with.  Sometimes, they have terribly low self-esteem, and it would literally be impossible to pamper their ego’s as much as is required to keep them faithful.  Or sometimes, they have been spoilt so badly, that they literally have no impulse control or are easily swayed by people who are more important in their values (e.g. team/work mates).

Now this is obviously a complicated subject, so I’ve just started by giving you a taster in order to help you understand the rubbish behind the urban myths around affairs.  When I get a chance I will write some more, for example:

• Why it is totally possible to survive an affair and come out of it with a better relationship (if you would like to)
• Why it’s also OK to not stay in the relationship, but how to make sure you don’t end up repeating old mistakes
• How come you ended up being the ‘other person’ in an affair
• And loads more!

Have You Remembered To Ask Yourself?

When in the midst of attempting to make a decision or solve a problem there are a number of things that we often do:

1. Worry & Panic!
2. Ask Friends for advice
3. Ask So called Specialists/Guru’s for advice
4. Research ideas in books or the internet

But something we often forget to do is ask ourselves!  Do you know what, we are quite wise really, and one of the reasons why it is often a good idea to ask yourself, is because you are really the only person who knows you, your situation and the surrounding issues intimately.  I love a bit of brainstorming in order to sort the facts in my brain.  But ultimately, actually remembering to ask myself what I would say to me if I was a friend/client in the same situation is the beginnings of discovering a solution.

The wisest people balance learning from both outside sources and themselves.  Only listening to your own counsel would mean that you will happily ignore any concepts that are a little uncomfortable for you.  Plus there is no way that anyone can know every possible fact or option!  But only listening to other people, means that you are disempowering yourself and not believing in yourself.  So what you are looking for is a little bit of both as an ideal balance.

Now sometimes I know we literally can’t hear ourselves think, because of all the brain noise in our heads. If that is your current problem, have a quick look through my blogs, because the whole reason for the ‘Mummy whisperer’ is to help you clear all that noise, and I may have blogged already on your current issue, or something similar.  Meanwhile, find a pragmatic (grounded, down to earth & practical) friend, who will help you get a reality check on your fears and guilts.  I’d recommend avoiding the sympathetic ones, because although we need a little bit of support sometimes, it doesn’t tend to actually get us out of the pit we dug ourselves.

Or is it because you can’t see an option which works for you and your family?  Then quite likely you are in one of those situations where more time is needed, because you just don’t have all the necessary information yet.  Check out my blogs about decision making, because they may help you on how to identify the missing information.

So, what would you tell yourself today if you had a chance to chat to yourself?

If I was talking to myself today (whilst awaiting the arrival of No2), I would say:

- Have a cuppa and a cake, whilst enjoying watch some more back issues of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.  But remember to drink lots of water as well.

- Don’t worry about all the well meaning ‘has she arrived yet’ messages – that doesn’t translate to ‘FFS don’t you know your own body well enough to know whether she is coming or not’!

- She just wants to make an grand entrance, plus after all the noise at that chaos/mayhem called a 4yr old’s soft play party at the weekend, she probably thought she was safer staying inside for a bit longer ;o)

- If your instinct is to stay in, be quiet and be a hermit for a while, then go for it; This is probably the last time you will have a baby in your tummy again or a chance to rest for about 4yrs, so try to make the most of it.

Meme: ‘Your Welcome’

Having only just written my first Meme post, I’ve just been sent another, which is very timely, as I’m in the first stages of labour (how long is a piece of string time!), and it has been a useful thing to have a thought gradually cogitating in my head, especially as it is about something very close to my heart ‘Community’.  Plus I must say that I was really chuffed to be sent the Meme by Sally Whittle from ‘whose the mummy’, who in our ‘community’ of mummy blogging, is one of the ‘big guns’!

In return I’m tagging these 3 blogs with the meme, Muddling Along Mummy (because I know that she will have an interesting perspective on women in hardcore industry in london, plus mummy blogging), Being a Mummy (because I know she has struggled with the growth of the mummy blogging world, and finds conflict hard to deal with), and Metropolitan Mum (because of her interest in the fashion world, and it’s affects on women).  I do know these Mummy bloggers, so it’s probably not a surprise that I’ve tagged them, however, I’m still picking them because feel that they will give interesting insights to the idea of community.

The 3 new blogs that I’m suggesting you guys take a look at are: ‘Single Motherhood Challenges‘ who has been blogging for a while, but only just announced herself on BMB, ‘Modern Jedi‘ just incase you fancied something a bit different, and ‘The Business of the story‘ just incase you fancy a rather poetic australian mummy’s blog to read (I’ve only been reading her ‘business of my life’ blog up until now, so I didn’t know about this one).

Here are the rules of the meme:

• Everyone: Visit the new blogs I’ve introduced you to. If you like them, subscribe!
• The blogs I tagged: Recommend three new blogs you’ve discovered and loved
• The blogs I tagged: Tag three other bloggers and ask them for three new blog reads on the meme of ‘Your welcome’.

Why I Love Communities

I love creating communities, Sally was absolutely right about that, and recently realised that I’ve therefore tended to make my life really difficult by trying to create them from less willing victims!  However much some people say they may like communities, if their behaviour does not encourage their growth, then it’s not really in their value system.  Why do some people like them and some people not?  It’s really simple, community is close to the top of my values list (what we love to be, do, or have in our lives), and our values come from stuff that we thought or felt was missing at some point.  So the other people, have never noticed that community was missing, whereas I obviously did.  Getting this meme made me wonder why, so I looked back, and back and back.  It’s a pretty core value with me, so it must have come from my childhood, and there I found it.  A Mum (see my blogs under the ‘about me category) who used a ‘divide and conquer’ strategy, which meant that there wasn’t much sense of togetherness in our family, added to being a ‘young carer’, which made me a bit different and therefore a bit of an outsider in the school world.

So there it is, the reason why my IT firm had me at the centre of an enterprise to connect people round the world using internet chat products over 15yrs ago; The many hours on internet forums for Reiki;  How come I ended up on the council for the type of kinesiology I studied;    The driver for creating the first ever email forum for the Demartini Method (my training for the past 7yrs).  And finally my recently found love of blogging & tweeting.  It’s even sneakily sitting behind the whole purpose to my ‘Mummy Whisperer’ program.  Yes, I offer services to Mums to help them in their own small communities, of their families.  But to be honest I have BIG plans!  My long term aim is to join together with big names in the world of Mums, and create a strategy for empowering Mums to become a force to be reckoned with in the UK.  Why?  After all there is global warming, wars, viruses, all sorts of more important things.  The reason is because of a report I read by Ernst & young a while ago, which coincides with my love of balance.  They basically suggested that the companies and countries who will recover quickest from this recession, are those with the greatest diversity and lowest gender gap.  (Gender gap is basically the difference between the positions/power/pay/education of the men & women in the society).  So therefore by having a BALANCE of power (not all male, not all female), we can ensure that our children are more likely to survive the challenges that life throws at them.

Myths of Community

There are some misconceptions about the reality of a community that I have discovered over the years, which suffocate them.

1) You should put the community first. Big no no!  It will always go wrong if you put the community before yourself, because we then get so over tired and drained, that we actually become a weight on the community ourselves.

2) That we should all agree in the community. Because this is an impossibility, as the community grows it becomes more and more difficult.  There will always be as many people disagreeing as agreeing with you in life.  As the community grows, it is quite likely that you will therefore find both within the community.  Without this, the community becomes a weird cult like creature, so it is totally necessary.  However, because we tend to focus on who is disagreeing with us and ignore the opposite (who are sometimes silent), we tend to get upset and even leave.

3) Cliques are bad. It is human nature to start creating smaller groups within a big group as it grows.  But that does not mean that they are shutting everyone out.  It just means that for some people they literally can’t cope with a large number of people in their close group.  I’ve seen it happen in my crescent, where all the Mums used to get together with their kids, and then suddenly people started to get ‘left out’ because it got to a stage where a couple of Mums couldn’t cope with the size of the group.  I remember not being in the popular clique at school, but I never thought to focus on the fact that I had my own clique of nerds.  When we had our 20yr school reunion, the ‘popular’ girls greeted me with real enthusiasm, because they had no concept of the boundaries, they were actually fond of the fact that we all had different ‘roles’.  Ironically, a few years ago we moved to a small village where for the first time I was actually part of the ‘trendy’ clique.  It gave me a HUGE reality check about the downsides of being in there!  So, if you want to be in a clique, my advice is ’suck it up’, be brave, work out what they like so you can sell yourself to them, and go for it, especially if it is in the school car park!  But remember, you are also in a clique, are you so sure that the other one would be ‘better’?

4) Sisterhood. In the UK I don’t see much sisterhood going on in the Mummy world.  Men seem perfectly capable of doing the ‘ra ra’ old boys network, at the same time as competing with each other, and have no hard feelings.  Whereas women have a tendency to really stick the knife in.  The reason is because we feel disempowered at times, and therefore as we see a lack of power, we are unwilling to share it.  The shame is that this is based upon a misunderstanding.  There is no lack of power, and no one but ourselves is getting in the way of us.  This is totally something I am planning on working on over the next couple of years ;o)

So there you go, my thoughts on community, the 3 blogs I’ve tagged to continue the thoughts and the 3 new blogs I’m welcoming.  I’m off now to focus more on my own little family community and the arrival of it’s newest member ;o)

2 Meme’s Together: Fave Photo and This is my Dream

I got sent the meme ‘What is your Dream’ in Sept of last year, but with No2 enroute, I never got around to actually writing it up, and have just been sent another for ‘Your Favourite Photo’ (both from a lovely fellow mummy blogger ‘Being a Mummy’).  So I thought I would combine the two together (with there just being days left before she arrives, efficiency sounds like a good plan!).

(For anyone new to the blogging world a meme is like a theme, which a number of bloggers will write about; it’s just a fun blogging thing!).

As it happens the two are actually really related, because I did think a lot about the Dream meme when I got it, and have therefore picked a photo that shows it.  I was standing on a railway platform holding the soft little hand of my son (then 3yrs old), who was all excited about trains, going to London, getting taxi’s and seeing Daddy’s office.  Then suddenly it hit me, this was like a dream.  To be holding the hand of a child I had been told I would never have, and to be getting an insight into a different, present, adventurous view of the world around me was truly an amazing experience.

In fact holding his hand at times like these are always amazing.  It’s like being surrounded by a huge pink marshmallow, smelling slightly sweet and muffling the sound of the world around you, for just a moment.  For that time, you are totally there, with that soft hand conveying total love, trust and joy.

(There are of course other times when you hold their hands which are not the same, when they’ve been naughty, or you are taking them somewhere that they don’t want to go!).

There is also a bitter sweetness to it, because next week that hand will be a little bit older.  From the moment, when they can first reach up to hold your hand, you are on the clock, because you know it is a short lived pleasure.  Holding the hand of a lover, partner or husband, has the potential to go on forever.  But the hand of your child, will grow up, lose the joy of being in the moment, mature, and probably refuse to hold your hand.  It is a reminder of the preciousness of small moments in our lives and how their value can out shadow 99% of the rest.

So I have captured the moment on that platform and taken a photo of it in my head, and the photo I’m sharing is of a year or two earlier when Max was just big enough to hold my hand and we were just leaving the zoo, along with a tiger balloon, which he was very seriously attempting to keep a hold onto along with my hand ;o)

I’m passing this meme, which I now rename to ‘Photo of your Dream’ to a couple of new bloggers not in the mummy world, to give them the chance to find out more about the world of blogging and to show an insight into the real people behind their blogs ‘Janis Rants’ and ‘Full Quantum Blogspot‘.

TV is BAD, no TV is GOOD, which is it?

Many Mums stop their children from watching any TV, and feel very good about themselves for it.  Is that the ‘right’ choice – NOPE.

Others have the TV on all the time – is that the right choice – NOPE.

Actually, I’m just being controversial, because I don’t believe in ‘mistakes’, so I don’t think that either parent is ‘wrong’.  I just think that many are probably unaware of the potential downsides to both options.  Therefore the option of moderate, monitored TV watching appears to be wise to me; take advantage of the Pros to TV, but avoid some of the cons and vice versa.

The first group of Mums will quote scientific research which suggests that children who watch a lot of TV will grow up to be obese TV addicts.  Which is totally a possibility, but there are some other factors which have been ignored in the statistics, like family health, food, job choice, genes etc.

They will wonder, what could possibly be the upside to watching TV?  Well, I’m mainly focussing on baby-toddler TV, but there are some huge advantages.  They are highly educational, Max can speak in spanish and chinese now.  No big deal you will say, until I also caught him talking in persian with the kids at nursery – it’s created a habit in him to be open to other languages.  He knows what a ‘tapier’ is, which I totally wouldn’t have known about at his age.  I can easily suggest that tooth brushing is cool because sportacus does it, and he definitely associates ‘energy’ with apples.  It gives him a way of bonding with children he meets at the park, or in his new nursery, as ’spiderman’ (we have the old 1970’s cartoons) is like a universal language for boys.  The thing about TV is that it is colourful and in 3D and can teach things in a way, that I would never think of doing (or even remember to do).  Plus, just like his Dad, he loves films, and disney has a totally magic feel to it, which is lovely.

He didn’t watch much under 2yrs old, because he wasn’t very interested.  I think that about 18 months he discovered ‘Baby einstein’ and ‘In the Night Garden’.  Many parents worry terribly about the success that is INTG because it is a bit odd!  But in my investigations of it, I did discover that there are some very sensible and philosophical ideals behind it.

I do use it as a ‘baby sitter’, because that way I don’t have to put Max into full-time nursery, but can do the odd bit of urgent work.  Plus, when you have a house full of tired toddlers in the ‘witching hour’, with a pile of tired Mummies to boot, it does mean that we can have 30 mins for a cuppa and a natter – very important for retaining sanity!  Who knows, some of our TV watching kids could grow up to be film producers or TV show creators.

One disadvantage to not watching TV is that for some children it will create a ‘void’ in their life, which they will go overboard on later on.  You’ve all heard the stories about children of very strict parents who become party animals later on?  Well, my parents decided that saturday morning TV was a definite No, No, so I wasn’t allowed to watch it.  Apart from meaning that I couldn’t join in with social conversations at school, it also meant that I spent huge amounts of my 20’s and 30’s watching saturday morning TV in bed.  We all need to rebel somehow, but some of us delay the rebellion a bit!

Hows about the Mums that ‘over-use’ it?  Well first off, what would be considered ‘over-use’?  I reckon that if Max will always choose a bike ride, or park visit over the TV, then he’s still in the ‘healthy usage’ range.  But I am aware of the fact that as he gets older, it gets a little trickier.  At the moment he only watches stations with no adverts, but it wont be long before he understands how many other channels there are!  Then, I suspect I will need to bring in some boundaries for him about his watching.  I know of a parent of teenage kids who watches things like the discovery/biography channel with their kids and then has a discussion afterwards.  Maybe in the ‘olden days’ that would have been done with a book, but it’s very sociable to be sitting together watching it.

So whats the answer?  There are up & downsides to everything.  My bias is towards a well thought through and considered plan of action.  If when considering your family circumstances you decide to be totally against or totally for TV, fair enough; because by having thought through the strategy you will be able to counteract the downsides of your choice.

The only thing I would therefore warn about is to not think through the strategy and just self-righteously criticise others with different opinions.  I can pretty much promise you that this will go wrong, in that you will be surprised and caught unawares by some of the consequences.

Right, thanks to Justin from cbeebies for giving me a chance to write this post, now we are off to make pancakes!

Catching Up With My Blog

So I’m sitting on my sofa, with no heating (brrrrr!) and very painful pregnant hips (ouch!).  So rather than do my ‘To Dos’, I’ve decided to catch up on my blog, because I’ve got very behind, having been focussing on the wind down of my work with the approach of BabyNo2 and it’s all I fancy doing today!  Most of my blogs tend to be hints & tips orientated, but every now and again I will do a more ‘traditional’ type of Mummy blog like this.

Catch Up No 1- Awards

Waaaay, Waaaay back in October, the lovely ‘Irish Mammy’ gave me my first blog award (see here)!  But it’s taken me a while to post it, or pass it on, as I didn’t know how!!

One of the best things about getting an award is that we then pass them on, so I would like to pass them onto the following 10 blogs:

Irish Mammy (right back at ya!)

Being a Mummy

Metropolitan Mum

Muddling Along

CafeBebe

Mummy Reviews

Rachel Pattison

Mummy Time

Bump Wear Project

and my twitter friend who explained how to add an award to my blog!  Inkwell Writers

If you are interested in the background of my training, I would also really like to recommend the blogs in my blog roll under the ‘Demartini’ title.  Some of these guys are just starting out, but they make a very ‘diffferent’ sort of read ;o)

Catch Up No2: Reviews – Pizza Express

Also, I was very lucky to get invited to Pizza Express for lunch wayyyyy wayyyy back in Sept by Being a Mummy – see her post here.  There were lots of Mummy bloggers, with children ranging from babies, to toddlers, to 3.5yrs olds to teens!  There is no doubt that a Pizza Express pizza is very yummy, and also very ‘different’ from the normal frozen pizza’s I feed the little angel/monster on a friday night.  He particularly loved the dough balls, which you could dip in garlic butter.

However, I do have a ‘but’ in my review.  Around the same time, I had to pop to London for work one evening, so I met up with husband type person in order to pass over the care of our little boy, and we looked for somewhere to have a quick meal, before they took the train home and I started work.  We picked a very traditional looking italian, where we chose a mixture of pizza’s and pasta.  The main difference between a more ‘traditional’ pizza place and Pizza express, is that they have taken the ‘italian’ out of the experience, which also means that for a family it feels a little less welcoming, and the typical speed/competence out of the service.

So, I would definitely go back to Pizza Express for a girls night out, or a meal with hubby.  But to be honest, if I was looking for a family meal, and had the choice, I would choose an italian first.  Which I really feel a bit mean saying, considering it was one of my first ever ‘freebies’ given to me because of my blog (

Coming soon:

Catch Up No 3: Pamper Day/Andrex Toilet paper

Catch Up No4: Meme’s – my first venture!

Catch Up No 5: Unsolicited Review (i.e big complaint) of Swarovsky jewelry

The Power of Perception to Cloud Your Views

You walk into a room with a pile of people, and what do you see?  An opportunity to meet and get to know people, or almost instantly a judgement description on each person in the room and a worry about what they will think about you?

There’s no getting away from it, we will all judge everyone we meet immediately we meet them.  However, where we go from there is up to us.  Your perception creates your reality, which doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with actuality.  What I mean is, what you think is going on, will affect how you behave and come across, so it will affect what happens, more than anything else.

We judge things according to our values (values are what we believe are important in our lives), and we all have a totally different set of values.  When we meet people who appear to match some of our values, we open up to them and feel all warm about them.  When we meet people who don’t match our values, then we tend to judge them as wrong and not be willing to get to know them or listen to what they may have to say.

The problem is that we let these perceptions rule our lives and affect our future.

Two people walk into a bank, which gets robbed and they both get shot in the arm.  One says ‘blimey that was lucky, we could have been shot somewhere much worse’.  The other one says ‘How unlucky are we, these things ALWAYS happen to me’.  Which are you?

Two people walk into a new group of women; a very intimidating experience!  One becomes painfully aware of what she doesn’t have and immediately assumes they wouldn’t be interested in her.  Eventually, her belief becomes reality.  Not because she wasn’t the same, but because she will have behaved in a way that is uncomfortable and unattractive to be around, especially if it is a habit of hers and she has that ‘chip on the shoulder’ kind of attitude.  The other woman takes some time to assess the situation and watches carefully.  Eventually, she will see that things are not always as they seem, and as she gains confidence, she will be able to connect to the group.

For example, is there a Mum in your school ground who appears to blank you and is a bit scary?  It’s quite possible, that she is actually very stressed, with a ‘difficult’ child that she can’t handle, and is therefore putting on a front in order to protect herself.  What about the gorgeous Mum, who is so well dressed and gorgeous that you think she wouldn’t be interested in you?  Well, actually, if she is totally confident in the way that she is, then she won’t worry about what you look like.  It’s only the Mums that are underneath worried that they don’t have the right clothes/shoes/sunglasses, that will judge you for also not having the right ones.

Let me give you a personal example.  I recently went back to the states to retake the advanced certification course in the Demartini Method (my background) as part of continuing professional development.  On the first day, I’m hormonal (pregnant) and jetlagged, and one of the first to be called upon to do a presentation to the group (no warning!).  I’d seen the woman before get pulled to pieces, and I was immediately nervous, plus I was a bit flummoxed by having to do something differently from the way I traditionally do it, and finally, I knew that my plans for my business might not be in my mentor’s (Dr John Demartini) ideal plans for me!  So I totally fluffed it, and ended up stamping my feet, crying and having a big argument with John.  Afterwards, I sat down and did some used my training to change my perception of him, me and the value that I had to give.  The next day I had my Senior certification interview with John, and passed with flying colours.  I had total clarity on what I was doing, why I was doing it, and why I was of value to his organisation.  Same person.  Just a different perception in my head.

Here’s another example that you will all have seen.  A woman starts to worry that her partner will leave her, because she isn’t good enough for him.  Despite his trying to show her that she is fab, she keeps on.  Eventually, she becomes such a pain in the neck, that he does leave.  It was nothing to do with the fact that she ‘wasn’t good enough’, but more because she became such a pain.  It was her lack of belief in herself that caused the problem, because that is what people pick up on.

When my son joined a new nursery a couple of months back, I was taken aback by the number of rather gorgeous Mums, with rather posh cars, and did feel a little nervous.  But, I realised that they didn’t know me at all, so they wouldn’t really know any particular reason why I wasn’t interesting to meet – I just had to pretend that I was interesting, that’s all ;o)  As time progressed, I realised that it wasn’t one big group of women, but there are about 4 groups.  Some Mums you never see, because they drop the children off early, so to meet them, I popped notes in their children’s bags to arrange play dates.  Some Mums were always late, and much less of the ‘yummy’ type, so to meet them I would pick a day where I didn’t have clients and make sure I hung around a little.  The other group of Mums were totally confident in how they looked, so they don’t mind about me not having the right sun glasses at all.  If I smiled at them and was friendly, they were totally friendly back.  Then the final group of Mums actually appeared less confident in themselves, so I looked for something that we would have in common and then started up a conversation when an opportunity arose.  I’m perfectly aware of the fact that in life only about 50% of people will like you, so I’m not attempting to be liked by everyone.  But heh, that leaves 50% to like me, not bad odds heh!

I know other Mums who have been faced with the same sort of situation, but because they believed that they didn’t have enough money and didn’t fit in, that’s basically what happened.  There might be a small number of mums who wouldn’t be interested for that reason.  But to generalise about a whole town or city, is just daft, it’s not possible for all of them to be only interested in rich friends.

I know several Mums who are from other countries e.g. America or Russia.  Some of them were always worried that they wouldn’t fit in, because they were not english.  They assumed that everyone already had friends, and no one would be interested in them.  The others realised that actually there are plenty of Mums who are a little isolated, and coming from a different country can actually make you interesting to be around.  The first set of Mums are lonely.  The second set of Mums have loads of friends.

What are you worrying about?  Is it affecting how you come across in that situation – work/home/socially?

Have a think about yourself.  Rather than thinking about what you don’t have, concentrate on what you do have?  For work, think about all your past jobs, projects, skills, qualifications, characteristics, and strengths.  Write a really detailed list, until you understand what you are good at and can value yourself more.  For home, think about everything that you do at home, and why you are fabulous to have around?  Socially, think about why people like being around you, is it because you are a good listener, or are you the life and soul of the party, what is it about you that people love?  I’m not suggesting you get big headed about yourself, because that can go the other way!  I’m just suggesting you learn to appreciate why you are wonderful and fantastic.

(Just adding a quick line to help me submit my blog to technorati JYY278WUKM2J)